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how to do fancy eats
Jan. 8th, 2019 09:47 pm sometimes the snazziest dinners are the easiest.
you know what's a pain in the ass to make? soup. fuck, you gotta cut up half a million vegetables and cook it for the right amount of time and maybe use a blender, like, who has that kinda energy. and then what you get out of it is soup! stick to your ribs good eating, but hard to dress up with a trendy hipster name. corn chowder is corn chowder. if i try a lot i can get to "rosemary and sweet corn chowder," but you're not whipping that out for date night.
here's date night: butternut squash ravioli with caramelized onions, brown butter sauce, and fried sage.
that's complicated, you are thinking. no! it's not! it just sounds nice. corn chowder is complicated, and if you fuck it up the potatoes go mealy and the cream goes all grainy and you throw a tantrum because now you have to put in egg yolks and heavy cream to get your emulsion back.
here's how you do this fancy eat: you go to the store and get one of those bags of fresh pasta. butternut squash ravioli is nice, but you could do gnocci or one of the spinach ones. buy some fresh sage. not dry sage! it's gotta still be leaves, it's date night.
have some white wine around. also have salt, pepper, garlic, half an onion, a stick of butter, and some grated parmesan cheese.
put some water on to boil and put like a tablespoon of salt in it. don't undersalt your pasta water! no little shakes like you're gently seasoning mashed potatoes. this is cooking. make it salty.
now get a tablespoon of butter and put it in a pan to melt. cut up your half an onion real thin cross-ways (make rainbows, not wedges). eighth of an inch thick or so. dump that in with the butter and get it caramelizing. don't fret over them too much. it's real hard to overcook an onion. stir 'em a bit, let the edges get brown, and as long as nothing's going black you're okay. if a little brown is on the pan that's good too. brown is flavors.
onions are cooking, good, going from white and crunchy to more clear-ish white and bendy to kinda brown and soft. you got some time to wait so do the rest of your prep: pick all the sage leaves off their stems and peel some garlic. (like, maybe six cloves of garlic? i dunno, i don't tell you how to live your life. more than one clove, less than eight.) if you don't have a garlic press, god rest your soul, cut up the garlic into little tiny pieces.
when the onions are brown on the edges, put in wine. it'll boil and all the brown bits stuck to the bottom will come up off the pan and into the wine, delicious. this is called "deglazing." if someone says deglaze, they are pretentious and mean "dump in some wine." put about the same amount of wine as you would put in a glass to drink.
stir that a bit, then sit tight while all the liquid boils away. now is a good time to put in your fancy pasta that you bought from the store. read the instructions on the bag and do that.
your wine mostly gone? cool. put in half a stick of butter. no complaints, it's a butter sauce, you knew there was going to be hella butter in it! now add in sage and garlic. crack some pepper over it, and put in a few vigorous shakes of salt. everything should get really lovely and sizzly. this is gonna cook for three to five minutes. brown butter is all the rage but its actually really simple. butter is mostly fat, which melts clear. like oil, the fat in the butter can get really hot and not boil or burn. However, there's also some "milk proteins," and when those get hot they separate from the fat and get toasty and brown. they smell lovely and nutty and warm. thus, browned butter. very hype, very chic.
so you're browning butter like a pro, and look, your pasta is probably getting close to done, drain that real quick.
three to five minutes should be up soon, and then you have it: butter is browned, sage is fried, onions have made the sauce sweet and delicious.
pasta on plate. sauce on pasta. grated parmesan cheese and cracked pepper on sauce. plate in front of date/wife/yourself. well done.
it is. so good. everyone will be impressed with your cooking abilities and you will be like "hah, sucker! most of this came out of a bag! none of it is particularly perishable! i only have to clean one pan and one pot!"
that was long and informal, so it looks harder than it was. i'm putting it in actual recipe format below. (if you want it to be really fast and easy, skip the onions, wine, and garlic. put half a stick of butter in a pan, add ten leaves of fresh sage, some salt, and some pepper, brown the butter, dump it on top of pasta. still impressive.)
( butternut squash ravioli with caramelized onions, brown butter sauce and fried sage )
you know what's a pain in the ass to make? soup. fuck, you gotta cut up half a million vegetables and cook it for the right amount of time and maybe use a blender, like, who has that kinda energy. and then what you get out of it is soup! stick to your ribs good eating, but hard to dress up with a trendy hipster name. corn chowder is corn chowder. if i try a lot i can get to "rosemary and sweet corn chowder," but you're not whipping that out for date night.
here's date night: butternut squash ravioli with caramelized onions, brown butter sauce, and fried sage.
that's complicated, you are thinking. no! it's not! it just sounds nice. corn chowder is complicated, and if you fuck it up the potatoes go mealy and the cream goes all grainy and you throw a tantrum because now you have to put in egg yolks and heavy cream to get your emulsion back.
here's how you do this fancy eat: you go to the store and get one of those bags of fresh pasta. butternut squash ravioli is nice, but you could do gnocci or one of the spinach ones. buy some fresh sage. not dry sage! it's gotta still be leaves, it's date night.
have some white wine around. also have salt, pepper, garlic, half an onion, a stick of butter, and some grated parmesan cheese.
put some water on to boil and put like a tablespoon of salt in it. don't undersalt your pasta water! no little shakes like you're gently seasoning mashed potatoes. this is cooking. make it salty.
now get a tablespoon of butter and put it in a pan to melt. cut up your half an onion real thin cross-ways (make rainbows, not wedges). eighth of an inch thick or so. dump that in with the butter and get it caramelizing. don't fret over them too much. it's real hard to overcook an onion. stir 'em a bit, let the edges get brown, and as long as nothing's going black you're okay. if a little brown is on the pan that's good too. brown is flavors.
onions are cooking, good, going from white and crunchy to more clear-ish white and bendy to kinda brown and soft. you got some time to wait so do the rest of your prep: pick all the sage leaves off their stems and peel some garlic. (like, maybe six cloves of garlic? i dunno, i don't tell you how to live your life. more than one clove, less than eight.) if you don't have a garlic press, god rest your soul, cut up the garlic into little tiny pieces.
when the onions are brown on the edges, put in wine. it'll boil and all the brown bits stuck to the bottom will come up off the pan and into the wine, delicious. this is called "deglazing." if someone says deglaze, they are pretentious and mean "dump in some wine." put about the same amount of wine as you would put in a glass to drink.
stir that a bit, then sit tight while all the liquid boils away. now is a good time to put in your fancy pasta that you bought from the store. read the instructions on the bag and do that.
your wine mostly gone? cool. put in half a stick of butter. no complaints, it's a butter sauce, you knew there was going to be hella butter in it! now add in sage and garlic. crack some pepper over it, and put in a few vigorous shakes of salt. everything should get really lovely and sizzly. this is gonna cook for three to five minutes. brown butter is all the rage but its actually really simple. butter is mostly fat, which melts clear. like oil, the fat in the butter can get really hot and not boil or burn. However, there's also some "milk proteins," and when those get hot they separate from the fat and get toasty and brown. they smell lovely and nutty and warm. thus, browned butter. very hype, very chic.
so you're browning butter like a pro, and look, your pasta is probably getting close to done, drain that real quick.
three to five minutes should be up soon, and then you have it: butter is browned, sage is fried, onions have made the sauce sweet and delicious.
pasta on plate. sauce on pasta. grated parmesan cheese and cracked pepper on sauce. plate in front of date/wife/yourself. well done.
it is. so good. everyone will be impressed with your cooking abilities and you will be like "hah, sucker! most of this came out of a bag! none of it is particularly perishable! i only have to clean one pan and one pot!"
that was long and informal, so it looks harder than it was. i'm putting it in actual recipe format below. (if you want it to be really fast and easy, skip the onions, wine, and garlic. put half a stick of butter in a pan, add ten leaves of fresh sage, some salt, and some pepper, brown the butter, dump it on top of pasta. still impressive.)
( butternut squash ravioli with caramelized onions, brown butter sauce and fried sage )
