isozyme | Loosening up

Sometimes a task will absolutely log-jam in my head, and it will be impossible. I don't know if this is an ADHD thing, a depression thing, an anxiety thing, or a super-fun combo thing. Regardless, sometimes there's a thing that means when I try to do a specific task every cell in my body shrieks "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO." For the past couple of months that task has been the very large science review that I was supposed to finish in November.

I don't know what does this, what creates the awful, creaking, enormous impossibility in my head. It's like a huge wall of glass -- I can always see the other side, imagine so vividly what it will be like when I get to the other side of it -- the relief, the joy of a job well done, the contented feeling of making progress, it's right there, I can taste it.

If I am not very careful, I'll throw myself against that wall until I bleed. If I'm not careful in the other direction, I'll sit passive next to the wall and go into a stupor for a month.

Ideally I can pick at it, find some cracks and chip away at them until the dam breaks.

I think the current block is starting to loosen up. I don't know what changed -- I've been writing a lot of non-science, which makes words easier, and I've been sleeping a lot, and I'm not trying to write more than 500 words at a time.

The wall might come back tomorrow! I'm always afraid of that!

But I'm cautiously hopeful.

Scab-cat is still scabby, and still very ungrateful about the four medicines he gets every day. Fluff-cat laid down in some water and his belly fur dried all curly, which is adorable. Belly-touches still forbidden. Nancy Pelosi is a stone-cold crafty motherfucker and I love her. It's really nice and warm out -- fifty degrees! -- even though it's dim and hazy outside. Going to a new taco place nearby tonight, we'll see if it's any good!